I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
We need to get me chipped asap
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
