She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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