my phone needs a breathalizer
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
