Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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