girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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