I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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