dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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