Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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