I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Randomize
