i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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