Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
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