how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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