I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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