1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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