I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
