My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
