Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
