I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
