hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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