she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
What changed your mind?
Being sober
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Randomize
