i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
