trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
