You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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