my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Randomize
