Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
