You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Randomize