If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
My vagina is very pro this idea
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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