Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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