why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
