On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize