That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
