just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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