Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
