if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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