I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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