the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
