My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
