I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
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