You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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