soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
