He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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