It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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