Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
