Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
