My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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