He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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