You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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