Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
