Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize