My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
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