I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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