It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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