meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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