i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
