How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
