Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
