im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
