A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
