I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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