theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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