Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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