Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
