happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize