Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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