I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
